


Absolut tavern

by Hobnob69



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: I had to tag it as Trixya and craquaria, Multi, and he’ll knock you out, i just feel as though I don’t want anyone to miss out because, r/rpdrcringe don’t make fun of me my older brother is a boxer, so People would read this, this is the best thing I’ve ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:02:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobnob69/pseuds/Hobnob69
Summary: This is a choose your own adventure story. You are the Dragonborn, and stumble across a tavern with lots of cross dressers inside. Will you survive the night, or will you meet a horrible fate?Give me kudos and I’ll write a bonus chapter where rupaul is a frost troll.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was replaying Skyrim on my Nokia and thought to myself. “DAE Skyrim and Drag Queen’s?? DAE???” So I wrote this.
> 
> No you CANT fuck any of the characters..,.and frankly I’m only pandering to the shippers so I can get my literature out there. Expect to see this rendition of the elder scrolls at E3 2026.

You have just finished slaying a dragon just east of Windhelm. The guards were buttfuck useless as usual, and you couldn’t loot the dragon bones because you were carrying too much skooma you stole from a Khajit.

You’re on your way to try and trigger the dark brotherhood storyline by killing that orphanage bitch in front of all the little bitch orphan children. 

Along the way you spot the warm glow of a tavern. There’s no point sleeping since you took the werewolf perk, but you decide there might be some whacky antics you can get up to, like stealing sweetrolls.

You swing open the tavern doors. The bard playing ‘you wear it well’ stops twanging her lute and gasps. All occupants stop drinking and turn around to stare at you.

“Is that the fucking Dragonborn?” One woman says, glitching through her chair.

“Nah the Dragonborn is an Argonian. That’s a nord.” Another woman says, taking a hearty swig of her goblet full of absolut vodka.

You need to silence these dickheads. NPC’s are all knob-jockeys and you don’t really care about getting a bounty since you’re heading out soon. You let out a mighty shout.

“BACK ROH-HALLS” you sound, blowing everyone out of their seats. Wigs go flying and everyone’s pretty gagged.

One woman goes up you you and claps loudly. It’s the bard from earlier. She’s an ork painted like a clown, with big blonde hair.

“Hello I’m trixie. I’ve heard about you.” She says, extending a hand. 

(Turn to chapter 2 if you accept her handshake.)

You don’t shake her hand. You are an ork racist, and she is extremely scary. You get the vibe she would spike your drink with spider venom.

“Fuck off.” You say, casting a spell to drain her life force.

You move inwards and take a seat at the bar. The dark elf barmaid looks at you disapprovingly. You’re just about ready to slap her one.

“You look like a shitty Dragonborn ohobabahaha.” The prick cackles. Her name tag reads Phi Phi, but your more focused on why name tags exist in Skyrim.

“Phi Phi shut your elf ass mouth up before i shove a war-hammer in your rectum.” You retort, stealing a bottle of absolut mead from behind the counter.

“That’s racist. I have the fire damage enchantment on my dagger I can take you big man.” 

(Turn to chapter 3 if you choose to fight.) 

You decide it isn’t worth it. Phi Phi doesn’t realise you are the literal dragonborn, and you stole all her clothes with only a 10% chance of being caught. 

You walk away with your vodka and sit by the fire. You notice somebody in the chair next to you smile. You smile back, clinking your glass with theirs.

“My names yours what’s alasssska.” The argonian says. You’re not actually a Skyrim racist but you still get a proper dodge vibe off them.

“I’m [insert your name].” 

“Thats great, would you like some skooma?” She offers. 

(Turn to chapter 4 if you accept.)

“No. Drugs are bad. They can lead you down a road of self destruction, and not only that, the destruction of others lives. You have to respect your body or you’ll find yourself questioning what you made with your life. But then you’ll find yourself addicted, and unable to think of much else. Just wasted opportunities and skooma Alaska, wasted opportunities. Do you want that Alaska? Do you want that? Fuck You alaska. Fuck you. No I don’t want any skooma.” 

“Wow” the Argonian says, taking a large swing of skooma. “I never thought of it like that.” 

You both have a hearty discussion about the ethicality of how the east empire trading company is run, and the exploitation of its workers. Around 2 hours in you decide it’s time to head back on the road. 

Before you do so, some dickhead stops you at the door. They’re clad in shitty steel armour with a depleted greatsword. It’s not even worth nabbing honestly.

“I’m Serena Cha Cha, the OTHER Dragonborn. And I challenge you to a duel!”

Oh wow, another Dragonborn? That’s messed up. You didn’t know there was others. The entire tavern is crowded around you now, cheering Serena on.

“GET THEM.” Ork Trixie sings whilst playing her lute.

“KiCK THEM IN THE BALLS SERENA.” Phi Phi jeers.

“I’m Jewish.” Miz Cracker says eloquently.

“Oo000ooo00.” Sharon needles says.

“SSsssSssSnnnesdsssss.” Alaska hisses in her Argonian tounge, obviously off her tits on skooma.

(Turn to chapter 5 if you accept.)

“No.” You say, bowing your head in shame. You declined the battle in fear that Serena Cha Cha would obliterate you. And let’s face it, she totally would.

You look like a pussy in front of all your peers. Condragulations. Everyone in the bar spits on you in disgust. You’re a coward.

The greybeards call you back up to high hrothgar and revoke your Dragonborn license. You are no longer the Dragonborn.

Bad ending...coward.


	2. Chapter 2

You shake the orks hand. Trixie has a strong grip, probably from all the bard-ing she’s been doing. Your fingers break under her grip. Ouch.

“I am [insert your name]”

“Kick-ass. Do you have a request for a song?”

You think about this for a moment. You ask what she knows, and claims she has a book of songs in the room she’s staying in.

You follow her, and once your in her room, you feel the door slam behind you.

You start to get a bit suspicious.

“Yes yes, should be around here somewhere.” Trixie says, looking around the room. “But first, try a sip of this brew. It’s family made you know.”

You are particularly fond of alcohol, because you are an alcoholic. You sick fuck, go get some help.

You sip the beverage and pass out, dying instantly. What did you expect. You never accept drinks from clown orks haven’t you learnt anything from lord of the rings.

Trixie probably does unmentionable things to your unconscious body. BAD ENDING FUCKER.


	3. Chapter 3

You bust out your greatsword and behead Phi Phi, killing her instantly. Fucking elves.

Unfortunately for you there were roughly 10 witnesses and the guards swiftly arrived. When they asked you to pay the bounty, you declined.

The guards chase you out of the tavern and you find yourself in a swamp, where mud crabs attack you. 

You die from a mud crab related infection.

BAD ENDING FUCKER.

Also if you are reading this I’ve got an infection in my toe and I’m too afraid to tell anyone. It’s going really black and yellow, and I don’t know what to do.

If i tell my mum I’m afraid she’ll call me silly and just won’t feed me.


	4. Chapter 4

You take a sip of the skooma and the room begins to spin.

“Ooaaahoohhh.” You say, dancing around the tavern. Alaska joins in, and you have a pretty good time. The red hot chilli peppers begins to play. What a bop.

Can't stop, addicted to the shindig  
Chop Top, he says I'm gonna win big  
Choose not a life of imitation  
Distant cousin to the reservation  
Defunct the pistol that you pay for  
This punk, the feeling that you stay for  
In time I want to be your best friend  
East side lovers living on the west end  
Knocked out but boy you better come to  
Don't die, you know the truth as some do  
Go write your message on the pavement  
Burn so bright I wonder what the wave meant  
White heat is screaming in the jungle  
Complete the motion if you stumble  
Go ask the dust for any answers  
Come back strong with fifty belly dancers  
The world I love  
The tears I drop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Ever wonder if it's all for you?  
The world I love  
The trains I hop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Come and tell me when it's time to  
Sweetheart is bleeding in the snow cone  
So smart, she's leading me to ozone  
Music the great communicator  
Use two sticks to make it in the nature  
I'll get you into penetration  
The gender of a generation  
The birth of every other nation  
Worth your weight, the gold of meditation  
This chapter's going to be a close one  
Smoke rings, I know your going to blow one  
All on a spaceship persevering  
Use my hands for everything but steering  
Can't stop the spirits when they need you  
Mop tops are happy when they feed you  
J. Butterfly is in the treetop  
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop  
The world I love  
The tears I drop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Ever wonder if it's all for you?  
The world I love  
The trains I hop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Come and tell me when it's time to  
Wait a minute I'm passing out  
Win or lose, just like you  
Far more shocking  
Than anything I ever knew  
How about you?  
Ten more reasons  
Why I need somebody new just like you  
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew  
Right on cue  
Can't stop, addicted to the shindig  
Chop Top, he says I'm gonna win big  
Choose not a life of imitation  
Distant cousin to the reservation  
Defunct the pistol that you pay for  
This punk, the feeling that you stay for  
In time I want to be your best friend  
East side lovers living on the west end  
Knocked out but boy, you better come to  
Don't die you know the truth as some do  
Go write your message on the pavement  
Burn so bright I wonder what the wave meant  
Kick start the golden generator  
Sweet talk but don't intimidate her  
Can't stop the gods from engineering  
Feel no need for any interfering  
Your image in the dictionary  
This life is more than ordinary  
Can I get two, maybe even three of these?  
Coming from space  
To teach you of the Pleiades  
Can't stop the spirits when they need you  
This life is more than just a read through

The rest is blurry, but when you open your eyes your in a skooma den, surrounded by druggies.

You can’t remember much, but you do know you want more skooma.

GOOD ENDING. This is considerably better than the other endings, because you don’t die. It’s objectively bad but you aren’t dead so...


	5. Chapter 5

What else can you do but accept the battle? You take out your sword, and take a battle stance.

Serena Cha Cha anime chuckles, her fists suddenly engulfed in massive flames. She’s learnt the fire bolt spell.

She launches mighty fireballs at you, resulting in your nord skin being charred to a crisp. It’s a long and painful death, and the whole tavern sets on fire.

You open your burnt eyes for only a brief second, only to see Serena ChaCha standing over your body. 

“I come from an art school environment...you can’t beat me..” she whispers into your ear.

Of course...she must of studied at the collage of windhelm. Figures.

You die along with everyone else in the tavern knowing Serena ChaCha would use her powers for pure evil. She was probably a Daedric priest after all. 

BAD ENDING SPENGTARD.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone could tell me what 2a+3-3=7-3 is that would be a big help thanks. My mum says if I fail maths again she’ll take away my Nokia.


End file.
